I confess that I am not always the best or perfect mother. In fact, sometimes parenting doesn’t feel like a privilege. Sometimes it feels like a chore.
I confess that sometimes I lose my temper. Sometimes I yell and say things I don’t mean.
I confess that I’m winging it. There are no rulebooks and I wonder often if I’m doing something the right way. Often I worry about messing you up.
I confess that sometimes I get annoyed. Sometimes I just want some quiet, and that doesn’t come easy with a toddler and a baby. I confess that I am so selfish, and it’s a daily effort and concentration to put my needs aside so I can best meet yours.
I confess that I love me some baby free time. Whenever I get the chance to be alone with your dad, or heck, just alone, I eat it up and I savor it.
I confess that when I’m told you’re like me, I get worried because I want you to be better than me and be better than I was as a kid. When you don’t eat the food that I spent 20 minutes making, and the other food I spent 10 minutes making- when you just give it a glance and say, “all done”, my blood boils a little bit.
I confess that sometimes I do not know how to parent you. When you say you have to pee for the 20th time in a night and I KNOW you don’t, but you scream and throw a fit, I look at your dad in exasperation and just say, “what do we do with him?!”
I confess that I get touched.out. By the time your dad comes home from work, I’m tired of my hair being pulled and my leg being yanked and my arm being twisted (literally). I just want 5 minutes without being treated like a jungle gym.
But I also confess that I love you more than you will ever comprehend (at least until you have kids of your own). Sometimes I look at you both and just wonder how I got so blessed as to call you mine.
I confess that a lot of times when you should be in trouble, I can’t stop laughing. When you do something you shouldn’t but then flash me your smile- I melt. Always, I melt.
I confess that when you go to sleep at night, I spend an hour scrolling through old photos. Showing your dad I say, “can you even believer they were that small?!”
After a night without you, I confess I miss you so much. I always sneak in to look at you, at risk of you waking up. I confess that I text your babysitter multiple times making sure you’re ok.
Nothing in the world can melt me like the huge smile you get when you see me. I confess that when you see a stranger and you grab my leg to hide behind- nothing in this world beats that feeling.
I confess that knowing you inside and out is so much fun. Knowing that I can calm you down and make you feel better makes me feel so good.
I confess that I always try my best, even when I don’t feel like it. Sometimes my best isn’t THE best. I confess that your grace and forgiveness is worth more than you will ever know.
You both are my proudest achievement, my most beautiful creations. You are miracles from the Lord, and I promise you that not a day passes without me thanking Him so much for you.
I will fail you both so much over the course of your lifetimes. There will be so many apologies. I hope you know my heart, always, is seeking what’s best for you. Every failure I make is an effort to find that. I confess I’m probably not the best mom in the world, but I believe that I am the best mom FOR YOU.